I know that this is a blog about parenting, and not so much about marriage, but I believe that the first step to a strong family is a strong marriage. We have been blessed with over 20 years of marriage and have had our fair share of mistakes, but as Sarah Groves says in one of her songs..."life with you is half as hard and twice as good." I pray that your marriage is filled with love and joy, please allow me to share some things we have learned from our own mistakes, misconceptions or experiences.
1- He is not the same person I married. Personally, I feel one of the biggest misconceptions is that people aren't suppose to change. We see it in the media around us all the time, and unfortunately some of our friends have even started believing it. When I hear the phrase, "he is not the same person I married," I say "Praise God!" I am so thankful that my husband is not the same young, inexperienced, impatient man that I walked down the aisle with over two decades ago. Every year, every challenge, every new child, brings both of us a new perspective and a new understanding of how to best raise this family God has blessed us with. If we are completely honest with ourselves, we are not the same person either. As we both take time to seek Christ and grow in our relationship with Him, we will change. Our prayer is that we will become more like Christ and that our love for each other will grow stronger each and everyday.
2-Intimacy is important. I know that we all know this, however, I truly think we forget how important it is. Let me share a truly personal story....As most of you know, we have seven children and I homeschool most of them. I am sure you can imagine that their are many days when I am beyond tired. I know you have been there. You and I have spent the day teaching, driving, coaching, cleaning, cooking and managing a very busy household. There are literally days when I want nothing more than to collapse on the floor at 7pm. Unfortunately, my overcommitted days leave me with little or no energy for intimacy. But what is worse is that this exhausted attitude of mine has left my husband with the feeling that I am no longer interested in him. We had a rough patch awhile back, my husband actually confessed that sometimes I make him feel like he has the plague. Ouch! The man I love and desire to spend the rest of my life with just told me I treat him like he has a horrible disease. Not what I was hoping for! I know that we are not alone. There are far too many couples that have exhausted wives and husbands that feel like they are disease covered.
This is a tough issue, but it is extremely important, especially to our husbands! After my husband shared with me his feelings of disease infestation, I really needed to do some tough thinking. I was trying to think of ways to rectify this situation. My husband is the most important human in my life, I need to treat him that way. Are there things I could remove from my schedule? Could I adjust my sleeping pattern? Is there someplace we can send the kids for a night? What can I change that will make a long term difference in our relationship?
After much thought, I knew that my work load was not going to decrease. So, I needed to look at other things I could do to show my husband that I was still interested in him and that he doesn't have a disease. I decided to change my sleeping pattern to match his a little bit more and to change what I wear at night. Now, I am not talking a large investment at Victoria Secret, but definitely something a bit nicer than the normal t-shirt and sweats. :-) Go ahead and try something out of the ordinary....oversized button up shirts for easy accessibility; no panties; no pjs at all; put a nightlight in your room for some inexpensive "mood lighting;" get creative. :-) Just by thinking of some new ideas you are demonstrating to your husband that you love him and desire for him to know how important he really is.
3- Fight with dignity. To be completely honest, my husband and I hardly ever fight. We may disagree, but we rarely have a time when we are both seriously beyond angry. I think the main reason this happens is because we are able to disagree with dignity. We don't allow our small discussions to turn into name calling, screaming, dragging up every little thing, arguments. We love and respect each other enough to know that the other person isn't crazy and must have a valid point. Just because we disagree, doesn't mean we can't try to see the other person's point of view. This has taken some time, but I believe it is vitally important to fight with dignity. There is absolutely no reason to heap insults at the one person you love the most. You are spending the rest of your life with this man, don't say anything that you will regret!
4- Pray for your spouse. I know that our job as moms is all consuming and critically important, but I also know that our husband's jobs are just as important. Their jobs inside the home and outside our home are both stressful and time consuming. Our husbands need our prayers. You know what is needed most in your family, take time each week to pray specifically for the needs of your husband. Many times we have no idea what stresses they are feeling. Your prayers are especially needed when you are fighting or riding through a rough time in your marriage. The devil loves to divide our marriages, don't let him get a foothold!
5- Be proud to love your husband! This is different then the discussion in number two. Here, I want to encourage you to love your husband in front of your children and the world. Be sure to kiss and hug him good-bye and/or hello. Be proud to hold his hand or sit with his arm around you. Don't be afraid to give his rump a pinch when he bends over in front of you to get something. Enjoy each other! Enjoy being in a loving marriage relationship. Help your children to see how awesome a loving marriage relationship can be, they aren't going to see this in the media. Our children are often "embarrassed" by us and our love for each other. I put embarrassed in quotations, because I don't believe for a minute that they are truly embarrassed (we aren't that crazy), but I believe that they are happy to know that their parents love each other fully.
I truly pray that your marriage is a wonderful experience. I pray that it is strong and filled with much joy and love. I pray that your family is blessed by the relationship you and your husband have. No matter how long you have been married, let me encourage you to look at your family and see if there is one or two things you can do to bring more strength and vibrance to your marriage. I know that you agree with me that a strong marriage is the first step to a strong family.
*I am in no way asking anyone to be accepting of domestic abuse. If you are in an abusive marriage, please seek help immediately. You are a precious child of God and deserve to be treated as such. I come from a childhood home of domestic abuse and know the difficulty it brings. Please, for the sake of your children and your life, get help today. My prayers are with you!
Monday, September 29, 2014
Monday, September 22, 2014
Words of Wisdom
There are many times that I look at our children and just want to tell them everything all at once. I want to tell them they are "fearfully and wonderfully made." I want to tell them that God has great plans for their life and so they should trust Him and not stray from the path He has laid out for them. I want to tell them that people can be very mean, but that doesn't make them right. They should never allow people to make them feel less valuable than they really are. I want to tell them so much! But so many times I can't.
I can't have a 90 minute discussion with most of our children. Take our two year old, for example, I am blessed if I can get a 2 minute discussion in with him. Our six year old is barely sitting still long enough for us to snuggle and chat for 20 minutes. Even our 13 year old needs to be "in the mood" to have a long quality conversation. Sometimes I worry that I haven't shared all that I feel God is leading me to tell them, and they are growing so fast.
Well, many years ago I started a journal for each child. I try to write in them once every couple of months. I write whatever Bible verse is on my heart that day. I write the characteristics I see them developing as they grow. I write about a hard situation they faced recently and how I hope they will consider handling those situations in the future. I write about all the things I hope they will never question as they grow up, all the things I want to tell them in a long 90 minute chat but never get the chance.
We also use the books as a place for our family and friends to write their favorite verses or words of advice. It has been wonderful. Not only are our children going to receive a book filled with the words I have been praying about for their lives, but they are also getting a book filled with the wisdom and advice of their family and friends.
I know that our children will face some very tough times in their teens and twenties. They will most likely not want to come to me for advice. They may not even want to tell anyone in our family what they are struggling with. My prayer is that the words in these books will guide them through even their toughest days. That even though they may not want to ask my opinion, they can turn the pages and hear my voice in their life and know that I and many others love them and care about them deeply.
Our oldest child will be reaching a great milestone in the next month. As part of our celebration, we will be giving her the book written for her. I am very excited to see how the years of wisdom from so many faithful people will feed into her future.
I want to encourage you to write to your children. You may not want to start a journal, or write more than one or two letters, and that is perfectly fine. However, please take the time to write them at least once. Tell them how amazing they are, how much you love them and how much Jesus cares for them and their future. Tell them some of your favorite Bible verses and why they impact you so much. Tell them why your faith is so important and why you want them to develop their own faith. Tell them whatever is on your heart.
I pray that you and I are around to see our children grow to be grandparents, but if God has other plans, we know that our children will have hand written letters. Letters from us that will be a continual reminder to them of their worth and what an awesome blessing they are in our lives. Our days our short, may the Words of Wisdom that God leads us to write to our children sustain them even when we are no longer walking on this earth.
I would love to hear what your favorite verses are, or what topics you choose to write to your children about!
I can't have a 90 minute discussion with most of our children. Take our two year old, for example, I am blessed if I can get a 2 minute discussion in with him. Our six year old is barely sitting still long enough for us to snuggle and chat for 20 minutes. Even our 13 year old needs to be "in the mood" to have a long quality conversation. Sometimes I worry that I haven't shared all that I feel God is leading me to tell them, and they are growing so fast.
Well, many years ago I started a journal for each child. I try to write in them once every couple of months. I write whatever Bible verse is on my heart that day. I write the characteristics I see them developing as they grow. I write about a hard situation they faced recently and how I hope they will consider handling those situations in the future. I write about all the things I hope they will never question as they grow up, all the things I want to tell them in a long 90 minute chat but never get the chance.
We also use the books as a place for our family and friends to write their favorite verses or words of advice. It has been wonderful. Not only are our children going to receive a book filled with the words I have been praying about for their lives, but they are also getting a book filled with the wisdom and advice of their family and friends.
I know that our children will face some very tough times in their teens and twenties. They will most likely not want to come to me for advice. They may not even want to tell anyone in our family what they are struggling with. My prayer is that the words in these books will guide them through even their toughest days. That even though they may not want to ask my opinion, they can turn the pages and hear my voice in their life and know that I and many others love them and care about them deeply.
Our oldest child will be reaching a great milestone in the next month. As part of our celebration, we will be giving her the book written for her. I am very excited to see how the years of wisdom from so many faithful people will feed into her future.
I want to encourage you to write to your children. You may not want to start a journal, or write more than one or two letters, and that is perfectly fine. However, please take the time to write them at least once. Tell them how amazing they are, how much you love them and how much Jesus cares for them and their future. Tell them some of your favorite Bible verses and why they impact you so much. Tell them why your faith is so important and why you want them to develop their own faith. Tell them whatever is on your heart.
I pray that you and I are around to see our children grow to be grandparents, but if God has other plans, we know that our children will have hand written letters. Letters from us that will be a continual reminder to them of their worth and what an awesome blessing they are in our lives. Our days our short, may the Words of Wisdom that God leads us to write to our children sustain them even when we are no longer walking on this earth.
I would love to hear what your favorite verses are, or what topics you choose to write to your children about!
Thursday, September 11, 2014
Laugh, Cry or Scream
I was chatting with a new mom at church this week. Her newborn was expressing her discontent with the current situation. Mom was either rocking too slowly, not holding the pacifier right or standing in the wrong room. :-) You know how newborns are, sometimes it is extremely difficult to figure out what they really want. Honestly, I think there are times the newborn doesn't even know what they really want themselves. Anyway, I was asking how things were going with this wonderful new blessing. She smiled and said, "well, we basically have three choices: laugh, cry or scream. I have done them all." I love it!!
This young mom just summed up most of parenting. We often feel we have only three choices: laugh, cry or scream, when situations jump into our days. And, I think there are some situations that warrant two of them or maybe even all three. Take for example the time when the potty training 2 year old sneaks into a different room to pooh in his pants. Only to be discovered a few moments later with pooh smeared all over his legs and stomach. Seriously, what do you do? Is screaming really going to help either of you at that exact moment? Or when a toy was left on the floor only to have an older sibling whom is reading while walking, trip. This trip causes the book to go flying from their hands and directly into Great-Grandma's heirloom vase, sending it crashing to the floor. Again, what is a parent to do?
I know personally, I find myself jumping right to the screaming choice way too often. Especially on those days when sleep was scarce or there is some issue preoccupying my mind. Then, I become even more frustrated because I have lost MY self-control. It can become a vicious cycle.
In many of the books I read, it talks about the example we set for our children. Screaming is not an example I want to be setting. On days when the situations seem to be hitting me faster than I can deal with them, I need to remember to stop, pray, and ask for God's guidance. I would also like to suggest that we have a forth option, we can laugh, cry, scream or teach. I know I, need to remember that every wrong choice or misbehavior is NOT a question of my authority or an act of disobedience. Sometimes misbehavior is just forgetting, sometimes it is an instance of never knowing and sometimes it is just frustration taking over. Personally, I am trying to work on teaching behavior more. Each and every situation is a chance for us to teach our children. We teach them how to react, how to respond, how to carry themselves and how they might respond differently in the future.
This young mom just summed up most of parenting. We often feel we have only three choices: laugh, cry or scream, when situations jump into our days. And, I think there are some situations that warrant two of them or maybe even all three. Take for example the time when the potty training 2 year old sneaks into a different room to pooh in his pants. Only to be discovered a few moments later with pooh smeared all over his legs and stomach. Seriously, what do you do? Is screaming really going to help either of you at that exact moment? Or when a toy was left on the floor only to have an older sibling whom is reading while walking, trip. This trip causes the book to go flying from their hands and directly into Great-Grandma's heirloom vase, sending it crashing to the floor. Again, what is a parent to do?
I know personally, I find myself jumping right to the screaming choice way too often. Especially on those days when sleep was scarce or there is some issue preoccupying my mind. Then, I become even more frustrated because I have lost MY self-control. It can become a vicious cycle.
In many of the books I read, it talks about the example we set for our children. Screaming is not an example I want to be setting. On days when the situations seem to be hitting me faster than I can deal with them, I need to remember to stop, pray, and ask for God's guidance. I would also like to suggest that we have a forth option, we can laugh, cry, scream or teach. I know I, need to remember that every wrong choice or misbehavior is NOT a question of my authority or an act of disobedience. Sometimes misbehavior is just forgetting, sometimes it is an instance of never knowing and sometimes it is just frustration taking over. Personally, I am trying to work on teaching behavior more. Each and every situation is a chance for us to teach our children. We teach them how to react, how to respond, how to carry themselves and how they might respond differently in the future.
Let's visit my home for a moment. What do we see? Well there is the two year old that has decided to scream at the top of his lungs because his brother has the toy he wants. So after I make a face because the scream hurt my ears, I have the chance to kneel down and remind him to use his words. It would also be a great chance for him to practice exactly what to say a few times. This situation is also a chance for me to talk to his brother about sharing, trading and taking turns. Maybe he can find a toy that is just like the one he has for his little brother. This is a teaching moment. One that I will probably repeat twenty times before they both start to get the hang of it. One that I will need to work hard not to get frustrated with as I am repeating the same thing over and over. These little conversations are very important and all though it seems like we don't have enough time and that the children should have learned by now, it is my job to do my best to teach them how best to behave.
There are many situations that we face in our family today that lead me to the "cry" or "scream" reactions because I didn't take the time to have the teaching conversations earlier. I now see the short, repetitive conversations that seem so frustrating when they are little, turn into long even more frustrating conversations when they are older. I am slowly learning that these small teaching moments are vitally important. So important, that I need to be intentional about teaching and allow other things to wait.
Let me encourage you to stop whatever you are doing and take the time to have a great teaching conversation with your little ones. I am challenging myself this month to do more laughing and teaching than screaming and crying, will you join me?
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