I know that this is a blog about parenting, and not so much about marriage, but I believe that the first step to a strong family is a strong marriage. We have been blessed with over 20 years of marriage and have had our fair share of mistakes, but as Sarah Groves says in one of her songs..."life with you is half as hard and twice as good." I pray that your marriage is filled with love and joy, please allow me to share some things we have learned from our own mistakes, misconceptions or experiences.
1- He is not the same person I married. Personally, I feel one of the biggest misconceptions is that people aren't suppose to change. We see it in the media around us all the time, and unfortunately some of our friends have even started believing it. When I hear the phrase, "he is not the same person I married," I say "Praise God!" I am so thankful that my husband is not the same young, inexperienced, impatient man that I walked down the aisle with over two decades ago. Every year, every challenge, every new child, brings both of us a new perspective and a new understanding of how to best raise this family God has blessed us with. If we are completely honest with ourselves, we are not the same person either. As we both take time to seek Christ and grow in our relationship with Him, we will change. Our prayer is that we will become more like Christ and that our love for each other will grow stronger each and everyday.
2-Intimacy is important. I know that we all know this, however, I truly think we forget how important it is. Let me share a truly personal story....As most of you know, we have seven children and I homeschool most of them. I am sure you can imagine that their are many days when I am beyond tired. I know you have been there. You and I have spent the day teaching, driving, coaching, cleaning, cooking and managing a very busy household. There are literally days when I want nothing more than to collapse on the floor at 7pm. Unfortunately, my overcommitted days leave me with little or no energy for intimacy. But what is worse is that this exhausted attitude of mine has left my husband with the feeling that I am no longer interested in him. We had a rough patch awhile back, my husband actually confessed that sometimes I make him feel like he has the plague. Ouch! The man I love and desire to spend the rest of my life with just told me I treat him like he has a horrible disease. Not what I was hoping for! I know that we are not alone. There are far too many couples that have exhausted wives and husbands that feel like they are disease covered.
This is a tough issue, but it is extremely important, especially to our husbands! After my husband shared with me his feelings of disease infestation, I really needed to do some tough thinking. I was trying to think of ways to rectify this situation. My husband is the most important human in my life, I need to treat him that way. Are there things I could remove from my schedule? Could I adjust my sleeping pattern? Is there someplace we can send the kids for a night? What can I change that will make a long term difference in our relationship?
After much thought, I knew that my work load was not going to decrease. So, I needed to look at other things I could do to show my husband that I was still interested in him and that he doesn't have a disease. I decided to change my sleeping pattern to match his a little bit more and to change what I wear at night. Now, I am not talking a large investment at Victoria Secret, but definitely something a bit nicer than the normal t-shirt and sweats. :-) Go ahead and try something out of the ordinary....oversized button up shirts for easy accessibility; no panties; no pjs at all; put a nightlight in your room for some inexpensive "mood lighting;" get creative. :-) Just by thinking of some new ideas you are demonstrating to your husband that you love him and desire for him to know how important he really is.
3- Fight with dignity. To be completely honest, my husband and I hardly ever fight. We may disagree, but we rarely have a time when we are both seriously beyond angry. I think the main reason this happens is because we are able to disagree with dignity. We don't allow our small discussions to turn into name calling, screaming, dragging up every little thing, arguments. We love and respect each other enough to know that the other person isn't crazy and must have a valid point. Just because we disagree, doesn't mean we can't try to see the other person's point of view. This has taken some time, but I believe it is vitally important to fight with dignity. There is absolutely no reason to heap insults at the one person you love the most. You are spending the rest of your life with this man, don't say anything that you will regret!
4- Pray for your spouse. I know that our job as moms is all consuming and critically important, but I also know that our husband's jobs are just as important. Their jobs inside the home and outside our home are both stressful and time consuming. Our husbands need our prayers. You know what is needed most in your family, take time each week to pray specifically for the needs of your husband. Many times we have no idea what stresses they are feeling. Your prayers are especially needed when you are fighting or riding through a rough time in your marriage. The devil loves to divide our marriages, don't let him get a foothold!
5- Be proud to love your husband! This is different then the discussion in number two. Here, I want to encourage you to love your husband in front of your children and the world. Be sure to kiss and hug him good-bye and/or hello. Be proud to hold his hand or sit with his arm around you. Don't be afraid to give his rump a pinch when he bends over in front of you to get something. Enjoy each other! Enjoy being in a loving marriage relationship. Help your children to see how awesome a loving marriage relationship can be, they aren't going to see this in the media. Our children are often "embarrassed" by us and our love for each other. I put embarrassed in quotations, because I don't believe for a minute that they are truly embarrassed (we aren't that crazy), but I believe that they are happy to know that their parents love each other fully.
I truly pray that your marriage is a wonderful experience. I pray that it is strong and filled with much joy and love. I pray that your family is blessed by the relationship you and your husband have. No matter how long you have been married, let me encourage you to look at your family and see if there is one or two things you can do to bring more strength and vibrance to your marriage. I know that you agree with me that a strong marriage is the first step to a strong family.
*I am in no way asking anyone to be accepting of domestic abuse. If you are in an abusive marriage, please seek help immediately. You are a precious child of God and deserve to be treated as such. I come from a childhood home of domestic abuse and know the difficulty it brings. Please, for the sake of your children and your life, get help today. My prayers are with you!
4 comments:
My biggest struggle in the intimacy department is getting past thinking what we are doing is wrong. I still don't know what's acceptable or allowed in a marriage as far as sex and intimacy goes. Sometimes I just feel...dirty. I know this is probably wrong and I shouldn't feel like this but I struggle to get past it. Thoughts?
The Bible tells us that in marriage, "the two shall become one." I know that this phrase can refer to many parts of marriage...the two leave their childhood family and become one family, the two become one team in parenting and decision making, and in sexual intimacy, the two literally become one united being. Sexual intimacy is an amazing gift from God. He wants us to enjoy our marriage, to be fruitful and multiply, and to live life to the full. I believe that sexual intimacy is meant to be pleasurable, it is a time we are meant not to be ashamed of our bodies, it is a time where we can freely express our love for our spouse.
In an effort to try to help our children stay safe and pure, parents often talk to their children about the dangers of sex and stirring up feelings that can not righteously be fulfilled. This can sometimes leave children thinking that sex is something dirty or naughty. Sexual intimacy outside of marriage can lead to so many hurtful and harmful situations. However, sexual intimacy within the boundaries of marriage is meant to be a wonderful experience. There is no shame in having sex with your spouse.
With all that said, if you are struggling with certain aspects of intimacy between you and your spouse, it is time for you to stir up enough courage to talk openly with your husband about this. I was sexually abused as a child and there are certain situations that will bring back some of the hurtful feelings I have from that experience. My husband and I needed to have a candid and open conversation about these situations. Having a hurtful situation enter our marriage bed, will not enhance our marriage, but start a division. Being this open and vulnerable can be very difficult, but our marriage is so much more important than my pride.
I obviously don't know the specifics of your intimate relations or what is making you feel uncomfortable. I would encourage you to pray and ask God to let you see how He feels about your intimate relationship. Spend some time reading Song of Solomon, it is a great book about intimacy and pure love. Pray that God will give you the courage to speak to your husband about your feelings and that your husband would have a compassionate heart to listen to how you are feeling.
Thank you so much for your comment! I will be praying for you and your marriage. I know that God desires for you to have a strong marriage filled with joy and passion for each other. May God truly bless you as you work through these feelings!
Thank you for your reply. It's not the actual sex that I question, it's the other things. Like, oral sex for example. Different positions other than missionary. I don't know where the line needs to be drawn, or even if there IS a line. If we are supposed to enjoy this, does that mean enjoy it all? Obviously I am talking about within the context with my spouse and no one else, no pornography, etc..just me and him. How much are we allowed to do? He thinks oral sex is ok, and I question that. I have yet to find anything in the Bible that addresses this directly and with my religious upbringing I was taught that anything other than sex for procreation is a problem (I know that isn't true...).
Thank you again for your honesty and comment. However, I don't think I am going to tell you what you want to hear. I truly believe that this is between you and your husband. I have no right to come between you two and insert exactly how you should handle your marriage. I do believe that you should enjoy your intimate moments with your spouse. I do believe that these times should bring you closer together and strengthen your relationship. If there are circumstances that are not bringing you closer or that are creating tension in your marriage, YOU NEED to talk about them. My opinion is to take a weekend or at least an overnight where you two can be alone the entire time. Make it a nice "date" weekend, but set aside several times when you are going to have some good talking moments. This is a conversation that is going to take more than one attempt. This is the type of conversation where you start by expressing your feelings and uncomfortable moments. Then give him time to process while you both maybe do something fun. Later give him time to tell you what he has been processing. See if you two can write down some common ground, some things you can both agree upon and feel comfortable with. Take a break and process some more, go out to dinner or something. Come back to the discussion again and make sure both of you are completely comfortable with what you have agreed upon. This might even take more time than a weekend. But, please hear me, this is important and it is worth all the time you are going to invest in it. I am not expecting that this will be an easy discussion, but I truly believe that you will both feel much better when it is resolved. Your marriage will be stronger, you will both feel more comfortable with what is decided and the intimate moments you have will be more enjoyable.
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