Driving The Bus, Or Along For The Ride?

I was listening to a speaker recently who stated that "church is not like riding on a bus. You are not meant to sit back passively while one person does all the work." Of course I loved this, and think that it is so true. However, I think this is true of a family as well. Too many times I meet with a mom and she feels like she is driving the bus while everyone else is just riding along, she feels like she is doing everything on her own. I often think that this is because our society seems to be pushing a "super mom" complex. 

I am not sure where this super mom complex came from, but it sure is prevalent and comes in many different forms. From talking with friends and other moms I meet, you are not doing an adequate job at being a mom unless you:

-grow your own produce (preferably organic)

-make your own bread and baked goods from scratch (preferably from grain you ground yourself)

-have all your children potty trained by the age of two and a half (using proper scientific terms of course)

-have children can read chapter books by age six

-have children are taking A.P. Courses by their sophomore year and at least four by their senior year
-have children who play an instrument and speak a foreign language fluently

The list is long, and I am sure you have your own criteria that has been thrown at you by the "super" mom arena. I encourage you to walk away from the super mom agenda and pray that God is leading you in a way that is best for you and your family. Who really cares what everyone else is doing? If God wanted all families to be the same, He would have made everyone with the same mom. I heard once, that when humans make ice they make a bunch of identical cubes, but when God makes ice He makes intricate snowflakes that are beautiful, varied and unique. The same goes for your family!

I must admit, that I can get caught up in this race for mom perfection at times also. It hits me when our schedule becomes too full and our family is eating strange meals in the car instead of homemade meals at home. I look at myself and think, "if I was more organized I would be able to juggle all of these needs and still make a great homemade meal. But I failed, and now we are eating thrown together cheese quesidillas from the toaster oven." I look at our children and think, "they deserve better." I have successfully fallen into the super mom trap.

What I have found, is that when I feel like I am driving the bus and everyone else is just along for the ride, it might actually be my fault. The majority of the time I have managed to put on my "super mom" cape and have taken too much on myself. I have found that it is essential for me to involve my family, so they don't feel like they are just along for the ride and I don't burn out. I have found that our children are really great at helping when our schedule looks like it is going to explode. They enjoy feeling needed and love the positive reinforcement that comes from accomplishing an important task.

When things seem to be getting too busy for me, I have found that making a very detailed list is extremely helpful for our family. I make the list very detailed and filled with necessary activities that only take 5 or 10 minutes to complete. If it takes longer than that, I divide it into two tasks. When I am positive the list is complete I count up the tasks needing attention. I then divide the list by the number of people able to help. For example, if there are 17 things on the list and 6 people are helping, the youngest child picks 2 tasks and everyone else picks 3 tasks. Then you get moving.
Now because the list is made up of things that can be completed in 10 minutes, we are getting 17 things done in 30 minutes or less. (there is always a treat or small prize waiting for those who finish by the 30 minute deadline) I am amazed at what we can accomplish!

You may have noticed that I said the children "pick" their tasks. This is an essential step! When I allow the children to choose the things from the list they are going to help with, they are a great deal more willing to help. I always choose last. To be completely honest, these 17 things on the list are all things I could do, and the children are helping me a great deal, so I am happy to take the left over chores that no one else wants. I love any little thing that helps my children become willing to help!

Spending a few minutes getting my detailed list ready, usually gives me hours to spend with my family or accomplishing whatever our overloaded schedule is asking for. Although I may have started the day feeling like I was driving the bus and everyone else was just along for the ride, I have ended the day remembering that we are a family that loves and supports one another and that there is no need for a "super mom" cape today.

May God bless your day as you try to juggle the many tasks your schedule is throwing at you! I pray that you will enjoy having your whole family help you and not feel like you are "driving the bus."

That's A Keeper!

We did a great deal of fishing on our recent vacation. It was wonderful! Many of the children really got into fishing and have found a new hobby. We were able to keep many of the fish the children caught. However, there was a limit on some of the lakes we were at and so some of the fish needed to be put back into the lake. The children learned the term, "that's a keeper."

That's a keeper is a cute phrase when fishing, but not when dealing with our little ones. We have one child, in particular, that is continually questioning their worth. It seems to me that they are asking themselves if they are a keeper. To be completely honest with you, I am running out of ideas for how to help them see the truth. They are a precious child of God. They are valuable because God made them that way! We tell them this all the time, but it doesn't seem to be sinking in.

I have seen the destruction that girls and boys do to themselves when they don't think they are valuable. My classrooms and youth groups have always had a few children that are so broken they see themselves as worthless. It is so sad! 

Here is my fear.... if we can not get all of our children to understand that they are a precious gift from God, I know that we will be in for a very long journey. I have seen these feelings of unworthiness lead to addictions with drugs, alcohol, gambling and/or sexual intimacy. These are not roads I want our children to experience. I know that God has a better plan for their lives. It is imperative that we help our children to see that they are valuable, precious and loved.   

I wonder if our society hasn't hurt our children with all of their emphasis on self-esteem. What do our children learn when they play games where no one ever wins? What are they learning when everyone is rewarded the same no matter how hard some try? Sure it is hard to see your child upset when they loose or don't get picked for a certain team, but those are situations we can learn from. These are situations where are children get to learn more about themselves. 

When I was younger, I learned that I could NOT play softball. It wasn't fun knowing that I wasn't good at something, but it encouraged me to try something else and find something I am good at, truly good at. I discovered a real talent that many others didn't have. This real talent helped me see God's plan for my life and gave me hope for my future. 

A recent example from our family comes from our second child. She seems to constantly be comparing herself to her older sister. Her older sister is always better at everything, or so she tells me. I literally spent five minutes talking to her the other day and listing all the things that she could do better than her sister. She hadn't thought of any of them. You know why?  Because they aren't things her sister does. She was comparing herself directly to her sister. It took someone from the outside to show her the unique gifts she has. Her sister doesn't play an instrument, isn't nearly as patient as she is and plays a completely different sport. Most outsiders wouldn't even think of comparing the two because they are too different. It's like apples and oranges.

One of my goals is to find the one thing that each one of our children excels at and then invest in that child in their gifted area. While providing opportunities for the child to grow and develop, we are praying that God will guide us in a way that will help our children prepare for what He has in store for them. My child may be the most amazing artist in the world, but our desire is that she would use this gift to bring glory and honor to Christ. After all, He is the one that gave her the gift. My hope and prayer is that when our children see how God has blessed them and given them the ability to bless other, they will always know that they are worth keeping.

I believe we all have a strong desire to know that we are "a keeper."  But, I also believe that if we try to find our value or worth outside of Christ and His desires for our life, we will always be searching for something or someone else to make us feel important. No matter who you are or who your children are, God made you precious, valuable and worthy! He has great plans for your life and the lives of your children. Don't let anything or anyone tell you any differently!

Frivolous Prayers

I went to a Christian University, I took the theology courses, have a Christian education degree and have been to many conferences and studies. I KNOW that prayer is all about aligning our hearts with God, and not bending His will to ours. However, I also know that God is my Heavenly Father and He cares about our needs and even many of our wants. He knows the hairs on our heads and when we seek Him, He will give us the desires of our heart.

I have had many people with advanced degrees and more blog followers than I, tell me that prayer is about changing our hearts and advancing the Kingdom, not about my personal little needs. We should be using our prayer time to focus on the least, the needy and the oppressed. I don't disagree, I do pray for these things also.  I do not presume to know more than these scholars, I can just tell you what I have experienced in my life. I know that God hears my prayers and somehow He even hears what those more educated than I, would call frivolous prayers.

Our family does not have the resources to take many vacations or elaborate trips. However, God always provides in amazing ways and it is important to us as a family to spend special times together whenever possible.  A short time ago our family was blessed with the opportunity to take a week and head to the north woods. We were given a cabin on the lake for a week of outdoor fun. Everyone had been looking forward to it for months.

As the time came to pack and prepare I began watching the weather forecasts for the time and place we were heading. I kid you not, every time I checked, the websites said it would rain everyday of our vacation. I was becoming discouraged. We all packed plenty of clothes to last us these cold rainy days. I began to pray daily for our trip. I prayed for safe travel, great bonding time and for no rain to fall between the hours of ten in the morning and six in the evening. I knew it was a long shot, but I figured I would ask. 

Each day on our trip when we awoke the weather man said it was going to rain sometime during the day. One day they were even calling for severe weather in the afternoon. You may choose not to believe me, but I am telling you that it never rained between the hours of ten and six. It was completely amazing. My uncle, whose cabin we were using, even laughed at me when I told him it wouldn't rain between ten and six. He looked at the sky, shrugged his shoulders and chuckled. But, I was right, it didn't rain until much later. It rained almost every day of our trip, sometimes in the early morning and sometimes in the late evening, but never when we were out having fun.

I know what the skeptics are going to say, but I firmly believe that God provided for our family. We had an amazing time kayaking, swimming, boating and fishing. The mosquitos were heavy, but most days there was a nice breeze that helped to reduce their population in our area.  Each of our seven children got to have special adventures and we made many memories as a family. I seriously could not have asked for a better vacation. I am so thankful to God for His loving hand in our lives. I can almost not believe it myself. What an incredible blessing He gave us!

Our children pray frivolous prayers all the time, I do not discourage them. For example, at our previous home there was a store that would box their donuts and discount them in the evenings. One time I was at the store with one of our youngsters, as we are walking in she asked if we could get donuts. Now it wasn't on my list and we certainly didn't need them, but I told her if they were boxed and discounted that we could get some. The bakery was almost the first thing in the store. We approached the counter and saw that the donuts had not yet been boxed. She was very disappointed. So I told her we would get all the items on our list and then swing by the bakery section one more time before checking out. She was very pessimistic. I suggested that she pray about it. She did. Guess what, when we swung by the second time, there were donuts. It is an extremely simple pray, but it sure helped her faith. 

Frivolous prayers can also be a great way to show that God has something better planned for them. But, you need to remember the prayer so that several days later when a different answer comes you can point out how God worked the situation for their good. For example, one child of ours prayed for a specific coach and she did not get that coach. However, it is clear now that this coach she has is exactly what she needed. She has excelled in just a few weeks. Be sure to point these things out and take the time to talk about how God is working in her life, or she may never see it. 

Let me encourage you to pray even the prayers that seem frivolous. If it is not a completely selfish ambition and God can be glorified in the situation, I truly believe that He hears us and cares about us enough to answer. Never underestimate the power of a sincere, heartfelt prayer!

After writing this, I was reminded that it did rain on Sunday between ten and six. However, we had gone to an early dinner with Grammy and Grampy. We were inside a restaurant having a great time with our family. We were about an hour from the cabin, I don't know if it was raining there or not. My guess is that it wasn't. :-) 

Taking Life for Granted

Today our guest pastor told us of his oldest granddaughter that was born not breathing, no pulse. She was only expected to live a year and now is 14 years old. She has many challenges that she faces everyday and communicates mostly by blinking her eyes....twice for "yes" and once for "no." I began to cry right in the middle of his sermon.

You see, we have a daughter that was born not breathing, no pulse. Eight and a half years ago, our daughter Halie was born. I remember it like it was yesterday. We had gone in for a test, they didn't like what they saw and we needed to induce labor. After what seemed to be a normal labor she was born. Then it happened......the midwife's face changed expressions, the nurse moved very quickly, buttons were pushed, alarms were sounded, the room filled with professions and I laid in my bed and watched as our newborn daughter was poked, prodded and air was artificially pumped into her body.

The midwife came over to explain that our daughter had been born not breathing and with no pulse. She regained a pulse within the first minute, but she still wasn't breathing on her own. The midwife continued to move back and forth between me and our newborn. It was over 10 minutes. I only know this because as the professions are performing CPR, they yell out the time. Those were the longest 10 minutes of my life.

My husband and I spent those ten minutes praying. Praying together, praying individually, just praying. Praying that no matter what, God would be glorified. After all, He created Halie, she was really not our child, but His. After 10 minutes, she did start breathing on her own and then was taken to the NICU for tests and attention.

Until today's sermon, I never realized how different our lives could be. You see our Halie shows no signs of those first minutes of her life. She has no special needs, she is a happy and healthy eight year old. We have been blessed with a perfect little girl and I have taken that for granted. I have forgotten the true miracle she really is. The miracle that each and everyone of our children are.

You may not have had a traumatic birth experience or extreme situation with your child, but I know you know someone who has. You have heard their stories and have maybe even held their hand as they walked through it. Let me encourage you to hug your precious little one a bit closer today. Let me also encourage you to try and cherish each day that we have together. Let us not take the lives we have been given for granted.

Tonight as I get ready to head to bed and close my day with prayer, I remember the pastor and his family, and any family that I know that is living with a child that has been diagnosed with special needs. May we all truly realize how precious and amazing their lives are!

A Conscious Whisper

As most of you know, we have seven children and we homeschool most of them. This makes for a very active and many times very loud home. Up until recently it didn't really bother me, this is just how it is when you have seven children. However, I think I was simply making an excuse for myself. When I sat back and just listened, I noticed some bad habits that our family had gotten into which clearly made our home louder.

First, is the intense need for everyone in our family to sing and/or play an instrument. I actually love all the Praise music that fills our home, but our children need to remember that the bands on the radio and the worship band at church have microphones. We don't need to be as loud as the last Skillet concert when we are playing at home. We are now asking that all "band" concerts take place in 2 specific area of the home. 

The second thing I noticed was the strange "need" to make senseless noises. When sitting and observing the family, it came to my attention that almost every person makes senseless noise as they move about the house. Some are humming, some are clicking, and other are just making sounds. I have made an effort to point out these noises to the family in hopes of trying to make them aware of the decibel levels in our home. 

The habit that really concerned me was the yelling. I don't mean yelling like when a child misbehaves or when you are angry and raise your voice, (that is a whole different conversation) I mean just talking really loud. It seems like we all have gotten in the habit of yelling to communicate. Sometimes we are yelling to be heard over other noise, sometimes because we are looking for someone and yell their name, other times it just seems to be the way we talk. 

My husband is the one who actually pointed this out. He had worked very late or early depending on how you look at this, and he was trying to sleep when the rest of us were awake. After an hour or so, he came out of our room and asked me what all the yelling was about. What yelling? I had know idea what he was talking about, there had been no fights or misbehavior. That is when I started to listen. We yell a lot! It is a scary thought, but I honestly believe that I have unknowingly conditioned my children not to listen to me unless I raise my voice.

So, we have challenged ourselves and our children to be more conscious of the volume. Like anything we are going to work on, it starts with me. When I hear the children start yelling or raise their voices, I try to intentionally lower mine. I have found that most of the time, that simple response reminds them to lower their voice. We have also started asking, "can you hear me?" When asked in a softer voice, it is a great reminder to an excited child that has forgotten how loudly they are speaking. My favorite response though is the whisper. I love how quietly whispering instructions or whispering in a conversation can greatly alter a moment. I have also learned that by whispering a special surprise, I am training the children to listen to my voice. They are learning to respond to my voice no matter how loud it may be.

Maybe your home is a nice quiet home of three, that is great! But, if you find your home being just a bit too loud or if you find that yelling has become the preferred mode of communication, let me encourage you to try and step back and whisper. God tells us throughout His Word that He speaks to His people with a still small voice or a quiet whisper. My prayer is that by helping our children lower their volume and listen for our small voices, they will also learn to quiet themselves and hear the voice of God as He continues to work on their lives.

May God truly bless your week as you and your children make a conscious effort to whisper!

Growing Compassion

When I look at our children interacting with other children I am usually pretty proud of their ability to share and play nice. However, there are times when I think, "bummer, I wish they would have handled that differently."

I am beginning to think that compassion starts in the sandbox. When we teach our children to share and put the wants of their friend before their own, we are helping them to understand compassion. I realize that this is really compassion in its simplest form, but young children need to start somewhere. I don't believe that compassion is something that just happens, I believe that it is a quality our children need to learn. Learn through modeling, demonstrating and some trial and error.

With our 52 weeks of blessing adventure we have been taking this year, I have noticed more instances for us to learn compassion. It seems that helping others, helps you see things from a different point of view. We have had a great time coming up with different ways to show compassion to others. We are now more than half-way through our journey. Here are some blessings we have shared:

Our children like to make things for others: cards, notes, crafts and such. We have found that these types of items really do a lot to tell people that they our loved. We have used ours for blessing those on the prayer list at church, showing compassion for the struggle they are going through. We also made a bunch for the members of our extended family, neighborhood or congregation that God lays on our heart. Every time we make these types of notes we receive such wonderful stories about how they touched the receivers heart. The cards/notes don't need to be fancy, they can even have misspellings, people just really like to see the work of the children and know that someone cares.

Another activity we have grown to really enjoy is random giving. The first time we gave out gift cards at a local grocery store, that one was certainly the most impactful, but also the most expensive. Since then, we have also given out free ice cream cone cards for a local restaurant and freezie pops to workers at a Christian music festival. We have found it extremely fulfilling to just stop and give someone something for no apparent reason. 

One of the easiest ideas we have used to bless others is baking treats. We have baked treats for crossing gurds, lifeguards, church coffee hour, and the cast of the community play. This is one project that is easy to involve even the youngest members of the family. It is also great for blessing many people all in the same location.

God might not be asking your family to take a 52 week challenge, but maybe He is calling you to bake some treats for Sunday or write a note of encouragement to the lady down the block. Whatever ideas come to mind, let me encourage you to include your children in the process. They will enjoy the quality time with you and learn a little bit about compassion along the way. If we desire to have children that are compassionate, let us start now and help this characteristic grow with our child.

Brave Enough To Love?

The US experienced another senseless school shooting a few weeks ago. So, many days have been filled with numerous news persons trying to explain what happened and how we can keep it from happening again. I have listened to/ read many of the reports and heard several different points of view, and I am not sure if any of them are right. Almost all of the reports I have seen are blaming someone or something: guns are the problem; psychiatric drugs are the problem; his parents are the problem; the state of our mental health system is the problem; and on and on. I don't disagree that these areas may have contributed to the situation, but I certainly don't think that changes made in any of these area are going to prevent another occurrence. It seems to me that blaming these items is the easy way out. 

To be honest, I think many of our problems today come from the underlying murmur of "it is none of your business." In the recent decades our society has been pushing an agenda that says, "this is my life and you have no right to interfere." While I agree with this thought in principle, I am not sure that it is working in real life. What I see now are many lonely, emotionally needy people. They have pushed people so far from "their business," that they find they truly have no one to share their life with. It is very sad, or at least I feel it is very sad.

Just think back with me a few years and see how far things have come. When I was young, there was a phone book. If I wanted to find my friends number I would simply look it up and give them a call. Now a days everyone has cell phones and those numbers are not listed in most registries. When a pastor wanted to go visit one of their members in the hospital, they would simply call up the hospital and the hospital would tell you what room they were in and if any new members had been admitted overnight. No longer, everyone at the hospital is sworn to secrecy because of HIPAA rules. It has actually gotten so bad, that sometimes parents can not even find out about their own child's diagnoses. (I know that many of the laws are good, I am just using it as an example.)

So here is my question....what if we were brave enough to love? No, I mean it, really step outside of this box we call our life and really love. I know you have seen them: the young person that always stands outside the coffee place looking like they have nowhere to go; the elderly person sitting by themselves in the back of the sanctuary; the mom at the park that often looks beyond exhausted and worn; the child on your block that never seems to have anyone to play with or anywhere to go; and so on. Why haven't we engaged them? Sure we might smile and say "good morning." But, do we know their name? Do we know anything about them? I am going to venture a guess and say that there is at least one person in your sphere of influence that could use someone willing to show an interest in who they really are. 

I have an idea of how to get started. Can you close your eyes for me a moment? Think about the errands you ran this morning, or make a glance in your memory around the office or even around the worship center from Sunday. Is there someone who is sticking out in your mind?  Maybe it is someone in your family, a nephew or cousin or sister-in-law. Okay, is God putting someone in your mind? Don't let it go!

Let me encourage you to take sometime to invest in this person. Get to know them, really know them. Invite them to join you for coffee or a picnic or just sit with you on the front porch as you watch the kids play. Once you have earned their trust they will begin to open up and you will see why God brought the two of you together. They really need you. They need to know that someone cares. They need to know that God loves them, and you are going to be the one that shows them a tangible example of God's love. Please pray about this and see whom God is calling you to love today. Will we all be brave enough to love? I hope so, and I KNOW that LOVE can change the world.