When looking at the dictionary, "help" is defined in several ways:
-render assistance to
-cooperate effectively with
-to make easier or less difficult
-to contribute to
-to provide what is necessary to accomplish a task or satisfy a need
Help does not necessarily mean "done perfectly" or "finished exactly how you would do it." When looking for assistance keep in mind that you are trying to get things accomplished in a way that will help you, even if it is not perfect. This can be difficult for many of us moms, but I truly think you will find it worth your efforts!
The first place I look for help is in our immediate family. Families are meant to help each other, support each other and encourage each other. I know that many people will say that our children didn't make the choice to be part of a big family or that they are just kids and should be able to just play and such. I totally disagree. The family is the first place where children learn responsibility, humility, compassion, empathy, a sense of worth and accomplishment. If we don't allow our children to help or teach them how to help, we are depriving them of the opportunity they have to fully develop these skills. Not only are our children helping me sustain a level of stress we can all handle, they are working on developing great skills that will last their whole life through.
Every family is different, and every mom has different needs, but here are some ideas that work in our home. I hope you can take a few of them and adjust them to help you and your family!
Chores: Everyone (over the age of 2) has 2 or 3 chores to accomplish each day. We each have one or two daily chores (setting the table, emptying the dishwasher, something that need to be done everyday) and one weekly chore (vacuum a room, clean this or that, something that really only needs to be done once a week). We have divided our home into sections and our weekly chores coincide with each section. On Mondays we clean the bedrooms or upstairs, on Tuesdays we clean the rooms on the south side of the house, on Wednesday the rooms on the north side of the house, on Thursday we work on the basement/playroom and on Friday we work on the outside and garage. Saturdays and Sundays are used as catch-up days or if everything was done during the week then they are free from extra chores. Now we have nine people in our family, so the chores are pretty easy to divide. However, this is a system that I started when we only had 3 children so I know that it can work well with smaller families also. Chores are really great for helping children learn so many skills and characteristics and really only take 10-15 minutes each. We change chores every six month, allowing each person to choose the chores they desire to accomplish. (I first make a list of what needs to be done and then we go around the table choosing one or two chores at a time.)
Now I stated that our little guy doesn't have his own chores, he however, does help with chores. He sees everyone else doing their chores and is more than happy to give a hand where he can. I know that he will be excited to start having his own chores in a few months. Many people have asked me what type of chores I would give to a two year old, so I am listing some chores that we use for our littlest members. Maybe some of them will work for you. Chores typically reserved for our youngest kiddos are: feeding the dog, taking the recycling from inside the house to the can outside the house, putting away the shoes, wiping the door knobs, picking up toys, emptying the trash in their room or low dusting.
One piece of advise when it comes to chores or getting your children to help. Please don't "ask" them. Helping out is not a choice. It is not something that you are asking them to do. It is something that you are telling them to do. Their first job (according to scriptures) is to listen and obey their parents. This doesn't mean you can be rude about it, but you can politely remind them that they have things that need to be done. Change phrases like: "would you please clear the table?" to "please clear the table, sally" or "would you mind taking out the trash?" to "Sally, the trash needs to go out. Please take it out when you finish that page." When you ask a child to do something you are giving them room to say "no thank you." This is not helping you and many times leads to an unnecessary discussion or even an argument. Politely request that your children fulfill the tasks that you need them to do. There is no need for a discussion as we all have tasks we need to complete.
Cooking: Help with cooking can be a hit or miss type of activity. However, I have found the more I plan ahead the more successful the situation can be. I have also found that our children can truly help with cooking at about 4 or 5 years old. Having a child help with cooking actually helps you in two ways: first, you are getting help with a meal; second, you have given a child whom might otherwise be getting into something, a useful activity. Sometimes it is even helpful for me to simply pretend they are helping with dinner. I give them a butter knife and an ingredient that "needs" to be cut and it keeps them busy for awhile. :-)
The most helpful tools I have found for meals are a meal planner and a crock pot. Those two items help me more than anything else in the kitchen.
Keeping an eye on: Our family would not function properly if the older children did not help me by "keeping an eye on" a younger child. There are many times throughout the day when I am needed to assist someone with a project, need to take an important call or am too busy in someway to really watch one of the younger children. Now, this is much easier for us since we have a teenager, but we asked for this type of help way before she was a teen. And we still ask all our children to help in this way. Here's the thing, I am not leaving the house and if I am truly needed I can pause what I am doing to come to the rescue, but there is no reason why our children cannot work cooperatively for 5 to 20 minutes.
Right now our youngest is almost two. He is a handful! He makes it very difficult to get things done. Obviously our older children can help with him, but so can our 5 and 8 year old. Our 5 year old is able to sit at the table and share play dough with him or color with him. Our 8 year old is able to read books with him and do puzzles with him. It only takes a few minutes to make up activity bags or baskets to be used for these times. Fill them with items that they don't normally get to play with, this will keep "entertaining" time more exciting. Sometimes, what I need doesn't even mean having to entertain him, it just means you are going to follow him around the house for a few minutes and make sure he is safe. The task is dependent on the project I need to complete, after all, I can't wait until he takes a nap to get everything accomplished. There are times when I will get the "really mom" look when they are asked to watch him, but the majority of the time they enjoy playing with him and keeping him occupied for a few minutes. Our children like to know that they are helping and that they are an important part of the family, they really like watching the babies.
More People: This is really an important part of managing your family in a way that you can sustain. Be completely honest with yourself. What or when is your biggest need? Who or what would make that easier?
Andy Stanley is the leader of North Point Ministries, which has five churches in the Atlanta area and he has authored many Christian books. When their family was just beginning their journey at this new church, Andy was very busy and his wife became overwhelmed. Their family was in danger because of stress. One day it occurred to him to ask his wife what she needed. She shared with him that her greatest time of need was from after school until after dinner, approximately 3:30-6:30pm. So he went back to the office and informed his secretary that he would be leaving the office each day at 3pm. He was still free to have early morning meetings or evening meetings, but he would be home when his wife needed him most.
If Andy Stanley can do this, than so can we. My greatest time of need is from dinner until bed time. Getting 7 children ready for bed is quite an undertaking and I truly enjoy having 2 adults working together to make that happen. My husband is able to meet my need at this time 5 or 6 times a week. He has adjusted his schedule to make this happen. Is there a time that you need to communicate to your husband that will truly help you?
What if it is impossible for your husband to meet your time need? Well, is it possible for you to get a mommy's helper or have a friend come over during that time of need? Once you determine your biggest need, sit down and work together to see how you can meet that need. Remember, you are doing this for the benefit of your stress level and the love of your family. Don't pretend that you can keep doing it all!!! We all need help!
I pray that there is at least one helpful item in this post. I know how overwhelming life can become and I pray that you will find a balance of family management that you can sustain. Asking for help is perfectly normal and will only last for a season. As your children grow and your families needs change, so will you. Please remember that you are asking for help because you LOVE your family, NOT because you are lacking anything. You might just be the blessing that someone else is looking for. Helping you, might be all one of your children or one of your friends needs to help them know how truly valuable they are. May God bless you today and always as you strive to raise children and live a life that honors Him!
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