Strong Marriage, Strong Family

I know that this is a blog about parenting, and not so much about marriage, but I believe that the first step to a strong family is a strong marriage. We have been blessed with over 20 years of marriage and have had our fair share of mistakes, but as Sarah Groves says in one of her songs..."life with you is half as hard and twice as good." I pray that your marriage is filled with love and joy, please allow me to share some things we have learned from our own mistakes, misconceptions or experiences.

1- He is not the same person I married. Personally, I feel one of the biggest misconceptions is that people aren't suppose to change. We see it in the media around us all the time, and unfortunately some of our friends have even started believing it. When I hear the phrase, "he is not the same person I married," I say "Praise God!" I am so thankful that my husband is not the same young, inexperienced, impatient man that I walked down the aisle with over two decades ago. Every year, every challenge, every new child, brings both of us a new perspective and a new understanding of how to best raise this family God has blessed us with. If we are completely honest with ourselves, we are not the same person either. As we both take time to seek Christ and grow in our relationship with Him, we will change. Our prayer is that we will become more like Christ and that our love for each other will grow stronger each and everyday.

2-Intimacy is important. I know that we all know this, however, I truly think we forget how important it is. Let me share a truly personal story....As most of you know, we have seven children and I homeschool most of them. I am sure you can imagine that their are many days when I am beyond tired. I know you have been there. You and I have spent the day teaching, driving, coaching, cleaning, cooking and managing a very busy household. There are literally days when I want nothing more than to collapse on the floor at 7pm. Unfortunately, my overcommitted days leave me with little or no energy for intimacy. But what is worse is that this exhausted attitude of mine has left my husband with the feeling that I am no longer interested in him. We had a rough patch awhile back, my husband actually confessed that sometimes I make him feel like he has the plague. Ouch! The man I love and desire to spend the rest of my life with just told me I treat him like he has a horrible disease. Not what I was hoping for! I know that we are not alone. There are far too many couples that have exhausted wives and husbands that feel like they are disease covered.

This is a tough issue, but it is extremely important, especially to our husbands! After my husband shared with me his feelings of disease infestation, I really needed to do some tough thinking. I was trying to think of ways to rectify this situation. My husband is the most important human in my life, I need to treat him that way. Are there things I could remove from my schedule? Could I adjust my sleeping pattern? Is there someplace we can send the kids for a night? What can I change that will make a long term difference in our relationship?

After much thought, I knew that my work load was not going to decrease. So, I needed to look at other things I could do to show my husband that I was still interested in him and that he doesn't have a disease. I decided to change my sleeping pattern to match his a little bit more and to change what I wear at night. Now, I am not talking a large investment at Victoria Secret, but definitely something a bit nicer than the normal t-shirt and sweats. :-) Go ahead and try something out of the ordinary....oversized button up shirts for easy accessibility; no panties; no pjs at all; put a nightlight in your room for some inexpensive "mood lighting;" get creative. :-) Just by thinking of some new ideas you are demonstrating to your husband that you love him and desire for him to know how important he really is.

3- Fight with dignity. To be completely honest, my husband and I hardly ever fight. We may disagree, but we rarely have a time when we are both seriously beyond angry. I think the main reason this happens is because we are able to disagree with dignity. We don't allow our small discussions to turn into name calling, screaming, dragging up every little thing, arguments. We love and respect each other enough to know that the other person isn't crazy and must have a valid point. Just because we disagree, doesn't mean we can't try to see the other person's point of view. This has taken some time, but I believe it is vitally important to fight with dignity. There is absolutely no reason to heap insults at the one person you love the most. You are spending the rest of your life with this man, don't say anything that you will regret!

4- Pray for your spouse. I know that our job as moms is all consuming and critically important, but I also know that our husband's jobs are just as important. Their jobs inside the home and outside our home are both stressful and time consuming. Our husbands need our prayers. You know what is needed most in your family, take time each week to pray specifically for the needs of your husband. Many times we have no idea what stresses they are feeling. Your prayers are especially needed when you are fighting or riding through a rough time in your marriage. The devil loves to divide our marriages, don't let him get a foothold!

5- Be proud to love your husband! This is different then the discussion in number two. Here, I want to encourage you to love your husband in front of your children and the world. Be sure to kiss and hug him good-bye and/or hello. Be proud to hold his hand or sit with his arm around you. Don't be afraid to give his rump a pinch when he bends over in front of you to get something. Enjoy each other! Enjoy being in a loving marriage relationship. Help your children to see how awesome a loving marriage relationship can be, they aren't going to see this in the media. Our children are often "embarrassed" by us and our love for each other. I put embarrassed in quotations, because I don't believe for a minute that they are truly embarrassed (we aren't that crazy), but I believe that they are happy to know that their parents love each other fully.

I truly pray that your marriage is a wonderful experience. I pray that it is strong and filled with much joy and love. I pray that your family is blessed by the relationship you and your husband have. No matter how long you have been married, let me encourage you to look at your family and see if there is one or two things you can do to bring more strength and vibrance to your marriage. I know that you agree with me that a strong marriage is the first step to a strong family.



*I am in no way asking anyone to be accepting of domestic abuse. If you are in an abusive marriage, please seek help immediately. You are a precious child of God and deserve to be treated as such. I come from a childhood home of domestic abuse and know the difficulty it brings. Please, for the sake of your children and your life, get help today. My prayers are with you!

Words of Wisdom

There are many times that I look at our children and just want to tell them everything all at once. I want to tell them they are "fearfully and wonderfully made." I want to tell them that God has great plans for their life and so they should trust Him and not stray from the path He has laid out for them. I want to tell them that people can be very mean, but that doesn't make them right. They should never allow people to make them feel less valuable than they really are. I want to tell them so much! But so many times I can't.

I can't have a 90 minute discussion with most of our children. Take our two year old, for example, I am blessed if I can get a 2 minute discussion in with him. Our six year old is barely sitting still long enough for us to snuggle and chat for 20 minutes. Even our 13 year old needs to be "in the mood" to have a long quality conversation. Sometimes I worry that I haven't shared all that I feel God is leading me to tell them, and they are growing so fast.

Well, many years ago I started a journal for each child. I try to write in them once every couple of months. I write whatever Bible verse is on my heart that day. I write the characteristics I see them developing as they grow. I write about a hard situation they faced recently and how I hope they will consider handling those situations in the future. I write about all the things I hope they will never question as they grow up, all the things I want to tell them in a long 90 minute chat but never get the chance.

We also use the books as a place for our family and friends to write their favorite verses or words of advice. It has been wonderful. Not only are our children going to receive a book filled with the words I have been praying about for their lives, but they are also getting a book filled with the wisdom and advice of their family and friends.

I know that our children will face some very tough times in their teens and twenties. They will most likely not want to come to me for advice. They may not even want to tell anyone in our family what they are struggling with. My prayer is that the words in these books will guide them through even their toughest days. That even though they may not want to ask my opinion, they can turn the pages and hear my voice in their life and know that I and many others love them and care about them deeply.

Our oldest child will be reaching a great milestone in the next month. As part of our celebration, we will be giving her the book written for her. I am very excited to see how the years of wisdom from so many faithful people will feed into her future.

I want to encourage you to write to your children. You may not want to start a journal, or write more than one or two letters, and that is perfectly fine. However, please take the time to write them at least once. Tell them how amazing they are, how much you love them and how much Jesus cares for them and their future. Tell them some of your favorite Bible verses and why they impact you so much. Tell them why your faith is so important and why you want them to develop their own faith. Tell them whatever is on your heart.

I pray that you and I are around to see our children grow to be grandparents, but if God has other plans, we know that our children will have hand written letters. Letters from us that will be a continual reminder to them of their worth and what an awesome blessing they are in our lives. Our days our short, may the Words of Wisdom that God leads us to write to our children sustain them even when we are no longer walking on this earth.

I would love to hear what your favorite verses are, or what topics you choose to write to your children about!

Laugh, Cry or Scream

I was chatting with a new mom at church this week. Her newborn was expressing her discontent with the current situation. Mom was either rocking too slowly, not holding the pacifier right or standing in the wrong room. :-) You know how newborns are, sometimes it is extremely difficult to figure out what they really want. Honestly, I think there are times the newborn doesn't even know what they really want themselves. Anyway, I was asking how things were going with this wonderful new blessing. She smiled and said, "well, we basically have three choices: laugh, cry or scream. I have done them all." I love it!!

This young mom just summed up most of parenting. We often feel we have only three choices: laugh, cry or scream, when situations jump into our days. And, I think there are some situations that warrant two of them or maybe even all three. Take for example the time when the potty training 2 year old sneaks into a different room to pooh in his pants. Only to be discovered a few moments later with pooh smeared all over his legs and stomach. Seriously, what do you do? Is screaming really going to help either of you at that exact moment? Or when a toy was left on the floor only to have an older sibling whom is reading while walking, trip. This trip causes the book to go flying from their hands and directly into Great-Grandma's heirloom vase, sending it crashing to the floor. Again, what is a parent to do?

I know personally, I find myself jumping right to the screaming choice way too often. Especially on those days when sleep was scarce or there is some issue preoccupying my mind. Then, I become even more frustrated because I have lost MY self-control. It can become a vicious cycle.

In many of the books I read, it talks about the example we set for our children. Screaming is not an example I want to be setting. On days when the situations seem to be hitting me faster than I can deal with them, I need to remember to stop, pray, and ask for God's guidance. I would also like to suggest that we have a forth option, we can laugh, cry, scream or teach. I know I, need to remember that every wrong choice or misbehavior is NOT a question of my authority or an act of disobedience. Sometimes misbehavior is just forgetting, sometimes it is an instance of never knowing and sometimes it is just frustration taking over. Personally, I am trying to work on teaching behavior more. Each and every situation is a chance for us to teach our children. We teach them how to react, how to respond, how to carry themselves and how they might respond differently in the future.

Let's visit my home for a moment. What do we see? Well there is the two year old that has decided to scream at the top of his lungs because his brother has the toy he wants. So after I make a face because the scream hurt my ears, I have the chance to kneel down and remind him to use his words. It would also be a great chance for him to practice exactly what to say a few times. This situation is also a chance for me to talk to his brother about sharing, trading and taking turns. Maybe he can find a toy that is just like the one he has for his little brother. This is a teaching moment. One that I will probably repeat twenty times before they both start to get the hang of it. One that I will need to work hard not to get frustrated with as I am repeating the same thing over and over. These little conversations are very important and all though it seems like we don't have enough time and that the children should have learned by now, it is my job to do my best to teach them how best to behave. 

There are many situations that we face in our family today that lead me to the "cry" or "scream" reactions because I didn't take the time to have the teaching conversations earlier. I now see the short, repetitive conversations that seem so frustrating when they are little, turn into long even more frustrating conversations when they are older. I am slowly learning that these small teaching moments are vitally important. So important, that I need to be intentional about teaching and allow other things to wait. 

Let me encourage you to stop whatever you are doing and take the time to have a great teaching conversation with your little ones. I am challenging myself this month to do more laughing and teaching than screaming and crying, will you join me?

Proverbs Living

Many times when our lives are filled with busyness, I find myself with little time to sit quietly and read the scriptures. I know how vital reading the Word is to my daily life, so on those busy days I try to read a Proverb or two. A long time ago, I had a leader in my life show me that there is a Proverb written for each day of the month. So, since today is the 26th, I would read chapter 26 of Proverbs. It seems that no matter how many times I read Proverbs, there is always some new gem of wisdom that I find. Especially when raising so many little blessings.

The other day I was reading Proverbs 15. I was amazed at how many wonderful verses there were to help our children grow in the love and wisdom of Christ. It seemed to me that almost the whole chapter was devoted to how we want to discipline our children and how we want them to respond to our discipline. I read scriptures written hundreds or even thousands of years ago, and they fit the exact circumstance that we need in our home today......what an awesome God we serve.

Let's look at 15:1 for a moment: "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." Wow, isn't that true. When we give or receive a harsh word the simple discussion we were having turns into a heated debate. Most likely an unnecessary heated debate. How different would our exchange have been if one or both of us could have maintained a soft answer? This is also seen is verse 18.

Now jump to 15:5, 15:10 and 15:32.  When we read these, we have verses that may help our children to understand the importance of listening to their parent's input. Many young people, especially teens feel the need to do the complete opposite of what their parent told them. These verses could help them see the foolishness in that. All teens need to work on becoming more independent and making their own choices, but that can be done while respectfully considering what their father or mother has said. Doing the complete opposite is a bit extreme. Helping teens to see they can make their own choice while still obeying their parents is a very important step in growing up.

Verses 2, 7 and 28 talk about holding our tongues and thinking before we speak. I know that is something we discuss all the time in our home. Just because you think it, doesn't mean it is wise for you to say it. Imagine how different our homes and lives would be if people chose to hold their tongues more often. I desire for our children to be like verse 7 and to spread knowledge not folly. An acronym I am sure you have heard of is THINK. Is what you are saying: T- true; H- helpful; I- important; N- necessary; and K- kind? I try to have our children say yes to at least 4 of the letters before they start spewing crazy details. Please, don't misunderstand me, this doesn't apply to every little thing the children are going to tell me; I love hearing about their day or an idea they have, but this is helpful when they are explaining an argument or are about to tattle or when they are just being mean to one of their siblings.

As you can see, reading a Proverb a day can be a great resource when raising your family. Let me encourage you to revisit the Proverbs if it has been awhile since you have read them. You never know what gem you will find to help you and your children live this blessed life you have been given.

End Of Detour

I had an opportunity recently to attend a women's/mom's mini retreat while our children were attending a local Vacation Bible School. It was very nice to spend five mornings with moms just sharing, encouraging and learning more about Christ. I made some new friends and connected with some old ones. There were many tasks that could have been completed at home in the time I spent at this retreat, but it was really great for my heart to rest with these ladies.

One day between speakers we were chatting at our table. A friend next to me was explaining how the road leading from her home to her work was now under construction and there was now a detour attempting to direct her on a new route. She continued to explain how her trip went the very first time she took the detour. I still remember the laughter in her voice as she detailed for us the way she entered the detour's first turn just to be greeted by a sign that read "End of Detour." "What?" she said, "how can this be the end of the detour? I just started and I am no where near where I want to be going!" It was quite comical, our whole table got a good laugh from the story.

How many times has God placed us on a journey where the detour ended, and we were no where near where we thought we were going? How many times have I thought this journey was just beginning, and there in front of me was an "End of Detour" sign? Honestly, I think this has happened hundreds of times during my life.

Here are some of the "end of detour" signs that have jumped into my path just when I thought a new journey was beginning, not ending. Let's start when Jim and I got married, I was sure we were at the beginning of a wonderful time and soon we would have some wonderful little ones to help make our family complete......God certainly had different plans and those six years waiting for children seemed like an extremely long time to wait at a detour. Or, what about the time we moved to a new state to start working in a new ministry just to have the leadership change and our help be no longer needed.....really, why did we move all this way just to be unemployed and only weeks from living on the streets? My heart still aches for the time when we excitedly told our family and friends we were expecting another blessing, just to be faced with a miscarriage days later. I for one can say that I don't always appreciate these "end of detour" signs.

 Here is the tough part for me: when I reach a detour I am frustrated that I can't go the way I want to, and when I look down the path I want to take and see no reason for the detour it frustrates me even more. My very thoughts are, "Clearly there is really nothing wrong with this road, this detour is just a waste of my time!" Guess what happens when I refuse to take the detour and continue past the road closed sign. I find the road really is closed, and now I am stuck with little or no room to turn around, and I end up on the exact detour I was trying to avoid. Seriously, what was I thinking? Do I really think that I know better then the designer of this plan? Well, yes, sometimes I think I do. It is completely foolish, I know! But this sinful being wants what she wants and is not fond of detours. (Wow, now I sound like my five year old) However, when I truly look at these situations and the many more I didn't list, I can see the loving hand of God leading and directing our family.

I LOVE our journey, I love where God has taken us and the sometimes painful lessons He has taught us. It really is amazing to me. He clearly knows what we need before we even know we need it. God knew our marriage wasn't ready for children and we had many steps to complete before we were really ready to grow our family. He knew He was going to bless us beyond measure with seven children, I just needed to be patient. God also knew that another ministry down the road is where we needed to be. He used the first ministry to put us in the right spot, but I truly believe the entire reason we moved was for the second ministry and ultimately, for our current ministry. He knew the skills we would need to obtain and the trials we would need to grow through. 

I clearly don't know more than the designer of this path! Even though my life seems to be filled with too many "end of detour" signs, I know that God is in control. I may not be anywhere near where I thought I was going, that doesn't matter to me, just as long as I am exactly where God wants me to be.

I pray that no matter where you are in your journey, whether it is driving smoothly down the road, covering some rough terrain or stopped at a detour, that you are exactly where God wants you to be. If you are unsure, let me encourage you to take time to pray and read the Bible. I am positive that God has some great plans for you and your family!

It Starts With Me

"It starts with me." I hate those words, and I really dislike the word hate. But, I really hate those words. There are days like today that I need to embrace those words and pray for a brighter tomorrow.

Today was one of those days. A day that was filled with too much whining, too much tattling, too many toys on the floor, too much laundry in the basket, too many commitments on the calendar and too little food left from the last trip to the grocery store to make a good dinner. Today was one of those days when the frustrations of the day built upon each other and compounded until this mommy explodes and everyone gets yelled at whether they needed it or not. 

I know that if I want my children to use kind words, I need to model that behavior and use my kind words. I know that if I want our children to control their temper, then I need to control mine. I know, really. I have read more parenting books than the average person, I have more children than the average person, I have worked with more children than the average person.....I know. I truly know what is expected of me and what I SHOULD be doing. I know, it starts with me. So, why is it so hard to do what I know?

It starts with me. It starts with me in the Word. It starts with me allowing myself to be filled by Him. I need to allow my heart to be changed and my life transformed to become more like Christ, so that when I am dealing with our children He shines through to them. I want my children to see much less of my sinful being and much more of Christ and the love and grace He has to offer them. 

Today was a personal failure. Today my children saw the worst side of their mom. But, today is also a day when I can model repentance and ask forgiveness for my poor behavior. Today is a day when my children see that I am not perfect, and I don't expect them to be either. Although I may have failed today, I need to allow Jesus to turn this day around and show these precious blessings that He has given me, that they are loved. Even when I am mad or frustrated, I love them and He loves them. 

Tomorrow is a new day, and I pray that it starts with me sharing the love, joy and peace of Christ with every word I say! 

Driving The Bus, Or Along For The Ride?

I was listening to a speaker recently who stated that "church is not like riding on a bus. You are not meant to sit back passively while one person does all the work." Of course I loved this, and think that it is so true. However, I think this is true of a family as well. Too many times I meet with a mom and she feels like she is driving the bus while everyone else is just riding along, she feels like she is doing everything on her own. I often think that this is because our society seems to be pushing a "super mom" complex. 

I am not sure where this super mom complex came from, but it sure is prevalent and comes in many different forms. From talking with friends and other moms I meet, you are not doing an adequate job at being a mom unless you:

-grow your own produce (preferably organic)

-make your own bread and baked goods from scratch (preferably from grain you ground yourself)

-have all your children potty trained by the age of two and a half (using proper scientific terms of course)

-have children can read chapter books by age six

-have children are taking A.P. Courses by their sophomore year and at least four by their senior year
-have children who play an instrument and speak a foreign language fluently

The list is long, and I am sure you have your own criteria that has been thrown at you by the "super" mom arena. I encourage you to walk away from the super mom agenda and pray that God is leading you in a way that is best for you and your family. Who really cares what everyone else is doing? If God wanted all families to be the same, He would have made everyone with the same mom. I heard once, that when humans make ice they make a bunch of identical cubes, but when God makes ice He makes intricate snowflakes that are beautiful, varied and unique. The same goes for your family!

I must admit, that I can get caught up in this race for mom perfection at times also. It hits me when our schedule becomes too full and our family is eating strange meals in the car instead of homemade meals at home. I look at myself and think, "if I was more organized I would be able to juggle all of these needs and still make a great homemade meal. But I failed, and now we are eating thrown together cheese quesidillas from the toaster oven." I look at our children and think, "they deserve better." I have successfully fallen into the super mom trap.

What I have found, is that when I feel like I am driving the bus and everyone else is just along for the ride, it might actually be my fault. The majority of the time I have managed to put on my "super mom" cape and have taken too much on myself. I have found that it is essential for me to involve my family, so they don't feel like they are just along for the ride and I don't burn out. I have found that our children are really great at helping when our schedule looks like it is going to explode. They enjoy feeling needed and love the positive reinforcement that comes from accomplishing an important task.

When things seem to be getting too busy for me, I have found that making a very detailed list is extremely helpful for our family. I make the list very detailed and filled with necessary activities that only take 5 or 10 minutes to complete. If it takes longer than that, I divide it into two tasks. When I am positive the list is complete I count up the tasks needing attention. I then divide the list by the number of people able to help. For example, if there are 17 things on the list and 6 people are helping, the youngest child picks 2 tasks and everyone else picks 3 tasks. Then you get moving.
Now because the list is made up of things that can be completed in 10 minutes, we are getting 17 things done in 30 minutes or less. (there is always a treat or small prize waiting for those who finish by the 30 minute deadline) I am amazed at what we can accomplish!

You may have noticed that I said the children "pick" their tasks. This is an essential step! When I allow the children to choose the things from the list they are going to help with, they are a great deal more willing to help. I always choose last. To be completely honest, these 17 things on the list are all things I could do, and the children are helping me a great deal, so I am happy to take the left over chores that no one else wants. I love any little thing that helps my children become willing to help!

Spending a few minutes getting my detailed list ready, usually gives me hours to spend with my family or accomplishing whatever our overloaded schedule is asking for. Although I may have started the day feeling like I was driving the bus and everyone else was just along for the ride, I have ended the day remembering that we are a family that loves and supports one another and that there is no need for a "super mom" cape today.

May God bless your day as you try to juggle the many tasks your schedule is throwing at you! I pray that you will enjoy having your whole family help you and not feel like you are "driving the bus."