Dry and Weary Marriage

Right after I made my post yesterday, "Dry and Weary Land," I realized that most of what I said not only applies to my relationship with God, but also to my relationship with my husband. I am very interested in the correlation. Stay with me a moment.

I love my husband! I am blessed to be married to a wonderful godly man who loves Christ more than he loves me, but loves me more than he loves himself. He is a vitally important part of our family and when he is gone, things do not function as they should. He is my best friend and I have rarely gone a day without speaking with him since we began courting. I hope I never need to know my life without him.

That being said, as I look back at our almost 20 years of marriage, I can see the seasons. There are certainly times in our marriage where everything seemed to be going great, we were in agreement on most issues and couldn't spend enough time together. There are also seasons when we seemed to be just coasting along, working through disagreements with respect and remembering to spend time together on occasion. Then, if we are honest there are those season where we barely knew who the other person was; a time when we seemed to disagree more than agree and even though we lived in the same home, we spent no time truly together. There are mountains and valleys, deserts and lush fields, along this marriage journey.

When we walk through the deserts of our marriage, I need to remind myself of the commitment we have made to each other. I need to remind myself to pray for him and our marriage. I need to remind myself of the joy that he has brought to my life. Aside from remembering, I also need to be proactive and remove myself from negative environments. If I am spending time reading/watching/talking with elements that are making me question my marriage or my husband, I need to stop...walk away and put my marriage in a place of priority. I need to surround myself with people and materials that will strengthen my marriage and uplift us as a couple, not take sides.

It doesn't matter if I FEEL like loving my husband today or not. Real love is NOT a FEELING, it is a choice. When we are fully committed to building a marriage that last until eternity, we make the choice everyday to put our husband and our marriage before ourselves. We make a choice to not listen to what society is telling us, not to listen to those telling us to be selfish, not to listen to those trying to lead us to stray from the commitment we have made. Instead, we choose to listen to the Word of God and know that God is working in our spouse, just as He is working in us. When we make that choice, the "feeling" of love grows stronger each day.

As I look at the "dry and weary" days of our marriage, it is clear to me that I need to respond to my husband as God responds to me. (aside from abuse, which is a whole different story) My God is always there when I need Him, He has never left me in need and He loves me no matter what. I know that I can never be all this for my husband, but I have a lifetime to live out the promises I have made to him. No matter what the season, I CHOOSE to love my husband and enjoy the life God has given us together.

May God bless your marriage and your family as you journey through these mountains, valleys, deserts and lush fields. May you take each day as a new chance to renew your vows and strengthen the love you have for each other.

Dry and Weary Land

Have you been there lately? The dry and weary land? I have. It seems to me that as we walk this journey on earth that our life goes through different seasons. Some seasons are great! These seasons are full of joy, good experiences and amazing times with God. Some seasons are comfortable. These seasons are filled with more joy than sadness, experiences that aren't too tough to handle and times with God that leave you knowing His peace and love still surround you. Some seasons are dry and weary. These season seem to be filled with stressful days and experiences, and leave you longing for more time with God because He seems so far away.

So here I am in my dry and weary land, having difficulty carving out time for devotions, prayer and personal quiet time. I feel drained and empty. I am amazed at how fast the seasons seem to change for me. It is almost as if one day everything is super and the next day I can barely utter two words in prayer. I have no idea what causes the change. Could it be a lack of sleep, an over crammed schedule, some family turmoil or just lack of personal friend time? Or, could it be that this is simply a rocky part of the path that I am walking with the Father?

As I walk in this desert path, I need to remind myself to do my devotion, even if it is at an unusual time of the day. I need to remind myself to pray throughout the day as joys and concerns are revealed to me. I need to remind myself that no matter how far I FEEL from God right now, He hasn't moved. He is still walking each step right beside me and loves me just as much today as He did last week when everything felt great. I need to remind myself that my relationship with God is not about my feelings, as they will change but God is sovereign and is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. He is with me on the mountain, in the valley and through the desert....and I am so thankful to know that His promises are real, even when I don't FEEL like claiming them.

So today, I will read my devotion....try to pray and talk with God throughout my day....and remember that He is with me, He loves me and His mercies are new every morning! I know that this season will pass and that I will have grown in my faith and am being prepared for a season yet to come. To God be the Glory!

May God bless you in whatever season you are in! If you are finding yourself in a dessert today, I pray that you will have the strength to see God in your day. That His love will surround you, that His peace would cover you and that you will know that His hands will be guiding you through this season. May you know His promises are real and may you have a stronger relationship with Him when this season is through.

Tale of Two Cars

The other day our family was running errands together. My husband was driving and we were hopping from store to store. As we drove from one parking lot to another, my husband accidentally pulled out in front of a young lady. It wasn't a close call, but he clearly should have waited for her to go first. He actually didn't see her and lifted his hand in apology right away. The young lady just happened to be going to the same store and parked near us. My husband saw her in the parking lot and apologized to her face. She dismissed him and said it was no big deal, he didn't need to worry about it. A nice friendly exchange.

The very next day I was driving back from the grocery store. I was at an intersection in town where my view to the left was blocked by a retaining wall. I looked, and I didn't see anything, but of course there was a car coming and I pulled out to turn left in front of it. I immediately put up my hand of apology and said "Sorry." The on coming car (which was never close to hitting me as we are all going 25mph) was being driven by a man, about his mid to late 30's. He also put up his hand, to my surprise he only waved one finger at me....I have no idea what his mouth was saying. My first thought was, "really? I crossed a lane of traffic in front of you to head the other direction. You probably didn't even need to hit the brake, just remove your foot from the gas. You feel the need to cuss at me for that?"

In both situations we were in the wrong. We needed to be more careful and look more intently at the traffic. However, it really got me thinking about how we react to others. Each and every day we find ourselves in situations that encourage our response, will it be positive or negative? Is someone making a simple mistake truly cause for us to jump into a verbal or even physical rant? I think not.

We have been working with our children and their responses. Many times they are abel to respond with  gentleness, self-control and kindness. However, there are also many times that they respond with harsh tones and a lack of self-control. In those instances, we ask our children to try again. They are asked to take a step back and think about a better way to respond to the situation. There are many times that they get it right the second time, but if I am honest with you, there are also many times when they need to "try it again" three or four times. It is our hope that by having our children practice responding to their siblings and their parents with gentleness, self-control and kindness, that this practice will help them to develop the ability to respond to others the first time with the respect they deserve.

My prayer is that when our children are grown and faced with a car that accidentally cuts them off, that they will be generous and forgiving. I pray also that I may be an example of that type of self-control. May God bless us all as we help the children He has given us, walk this life with the self-control our responses require.

Why Are Those People Still In The Water?

On our recent family vacation we were swimming at the beach. Everyone was having a great time! However, the sky in the distance began to turn dark and it looked like a storm was coming our way. I was watching it very carefully and trying not to let my anxiety deter from the fun my family was having. Then, I was pretty sure I heard thunder. I mentioned it to my husband, and he dismissed it as the garbage truck that just passed (he was probably right). This however, did make him aware of my concern and not even 15 minutes later he looks at me and says, "that was thunder." At that moment we calmly removed our children from the water and begin cleaning up our things. No worries, no hurry, just time to go.

Our middle daughter is our worrier. She worries about everything and has been known to cry about things that haven't even happened. (we are working with her, but this is who she is right now) After leaving the water, she becomes very distraught and begins moving with great haste. However, she is not satisfied knowing that our family is safe. She is becoming more and more concerned about the families still in the water. If we would have allowed her, she would have run up to them and started yelling "get out of the water!! a storm is coming!!" It seemed that every minute she was asking her father or I, "Why are those people still in the water?" I gave her several responses, but she was obviously not satisfied as she continued to ask over and over. Finally, my husband responded, "because they have free will to make their own choices, even if they are making the wrong one!" This silenced her for the moment. As we were driving away from the beach the local police drove through and told everyone to leave the beach. She could now relax.

This experience did provide us a wonderful dicussion starter for later in the day. Every single one of us has the free will to make choices. Sometimes we make wise choices and sometimes we make foolish choices. Many times, our foolish choices can come with some pretty serious consequences. We have actually been talking about this concept a lot lately, Our life has provided us with many opportunities to discuss choices and consequences.....a friends teen sister is pregnant, an Aunt is in jail, a neighbor is hurt, etc.

I think it is difficult for many people, especially children, to understand that their choices affect more than just themselves and so do the consequences. We have decided that it is important for our children to see this as young as possible. Here are some examples of conversations we have had in the past few weeks: "I know you want to sing sweetie, but you need to sing in the other room because your sister is using the computer to study." "I am really sorry that you lost your sunglasses in the lake, you probably should have left them in the car like we asked." "Yes dear, we are stopped on the freeway. It seems that someone wasn't paying attention and there has been an accident." "I am sorry that you don't have a clean bowl to use, it seems someone didn't do their chores." With each conversation we try to help our children see whom else the choice is affecting and to judge if they made a wise choice or a foolish one.

We pray that by helping them see the choices that they could have made and the positive or negative consequences that accompany their decisions that they will develop good judgement. That they will be able to look at the situation they are in and see what are both wise and foolish choices, see both positive and negative consequences and see whom their choice may affect. Can you just imagine what our days would be like if we were all able to take a few minutes and truly think before we acted? I know, I know, there are many times when I am the one standing there and people are asking "why is she still in the water?"

May God bless us as we try to stop and think before we act, and as we teach our children to do the same!

I Said So

We are enjoying an afternoon at the beach with the family. It is a nice warm day, so there are many families swimming and having a great time. I hear a conversation near me and it goes a bit like this, "but why daddy?" "Because I am your Father and I said so." Oh, I love to hear those words, it brings a smile to my face every time. There is a parent that gets it, a parent that understands that we all need to learn obedience, a parent that is training their child to honor the authority placed in front of them. Wonderful!

Just a few days before hearing this conversation at the beach, I was talking with a friend of mine that just happens to be a preschool teacher. She has been teaching for many years, not sure how long exactly, but she just became a grandmother. Anyway, she was sharing with me how amazed she is that parents are not teaching their children obedience. Children are telling their parents what to do and what is best, instead of the other way around. This unfamiliarity with obedience is causing problems in the classroom. She has students that simply don't get to participate fully in activities because they can not listen and therefore pose a threat to themselves and others. It is actually very sad. She was sharing with me how much help her classroom parents really need.

I know parents that are like this, they love their children and truly feel they are doing the best for them. However, they are forgetting that we all need to learn obedience. We all need to be obedient in several ways and to several people. We need to obey our employers, the laws of the land, and the rules of our school or community. It is important for all of us to learn to follow direction and listen to authority.

My personal reason for teaching my children to be obedient, is because I desire for them to be obedient to God. He is our Heavenly Father, and when He "says so," I pray thet my children will obey. God loves us more than we can humanly imagine. He places rules and boundaries in our lives to keep us safe and to help us avoid unnecessary heartache and pain, not because He desires to be mean or controlling. We do the same with our children, we love them, so we teach them obedience.

May God bless you as you look at obedience in your family. May He give you strength to model obedience for your children and to say "because I said so," when the situation warrants it.

The Same Team

The other day I was waiting outside a room waiting for our preschool age son to finish a class he was attending, when I heard the leader say, "there are no teams here, we are all on the same team." I love that idea, "all on the same team."

When I look at my child as being part of a team, there are many things that come to mind. First would be finding the right coach(es). As my child goes through his development, I want to be sure that the right people are pouring into him...that righteous people are "coaching" him. We watch very carefully when we register our kiddos for extra activities. We find that it is very difficult for our children to understand why other adults make choices that are inappropriate, or at least inappropriate in our family. We try to limit the contradictions when they are young, as it becomes too confusing for our little ones to know what is the best choice. As they grow, we simply begin talking about God's best plan and making choices that glorify Him.

Another important part of the team are the players. If my sons life is like playing on a team, then we should try to find friends or teammates that are going to be a good fit together. Let us look for playmates that are going to build up each other and show characteristics we desire to emphasize. I certainly don't want to exclude people from the team, so we will truly give everyone a chance... however, as a parent, it is important for me to be ready to make a team substitution. If I see that we have a friend that is being negative or leading our children astray, it is important for us to talk to our children about it and make a substitution. It won't be easy, but it is important that our children learn to look at the character of their friends. This is a lesson that can truly help them as they get older and become adults.

As our children play their way through this "game" of life, I want to help to make sure they play with integrity. No matter what the situation might be, our children still need to be honest, helpful, compassionate, respectful and kind. These are traits that need to be learned, talked about and demonstrated. Children are not born knowing how to act in these ways, this will take time and practice.

Although our family loves team sports and several of our children compete in various sports, there is only one "game" I am concerned about ....salvation. As our children run the race to gain their Heavenly prize, one of my goals is to give them the most supportive team I can. A team with great coaches, encouraging teammates and lots of practice playing with integrity.

May God truly bless you as you build a team to support your children, and give you the courage to call a "time out" when it looks like the game is getting away from you!

Warning Signs

On any road trip that you take with your family during the summer months, you are certain to meet with some construction. I was recently taking a long trip with the family and had the privilege of driving down many roadways that were receiving their summer improvements. When passing through them I noticed a few things: first, there are warning signs that say the construction is ahead; second, the speed limit is lowered and you are told to slow down; next, more signs directing you which lanes to avoid or which way to merge; finally, your car is surrounded by large orange objects on one side and a cement wall on the other side....making it very difficult to see what is up ahead.  

These disturbances to my otherwise wonderful drive began to make me realize that there are many times in my life and in my parenting when these same type of signs occur. Sometimes as I walk this journey of life I receive small warning signs....from godly council, through reading the Word or from my prayer and devotion time. These signs typically give me an idea that something is not quite right about this road I am on. However, if I continue on this road and don't heed the small warnings, I have noticed that more direction usually comes my way. There is more direct council and events that seem to slow down my progress on this road. My actions or plans are then often interrupted and the only way I can continue on this chosen road is by traveling through some very narrow choice and then at times it feels like I have no way to see what is ahead and almost like the sides of the road are closing in on me. I myself am under construction. God is choosing to use His Word, my prayer time and the godly people around me to help me through the areas of my life that are in need of improvements or to guide me through some tough parts of my journey. It is always clear, once I have traveled through a difficult situation, how God has lovingly guided me through the entire journey. I am certain that you will find evidence of this in your life as well.

It seems that I had plenty of time to think on this long road trip we took as a family, and I have begun to wonder if I can use these same principles with my children. (I know I am not God, don't want to be, He does a much better job than I ever could!) When watching my children, I can typically see warning signs that things are about to go bad....wether it is a looming argument over a toy, a poor choice in friends, or a developing attitude. So, when I see these and other things developing on the horizon, what would happen if I followed the same patterns of the road under construction. Could I help us avoid points of great turmoil and poor visibility? Here is the pattern I am going to try: notice the warning signs; tell participants to slow down and look at the situation; help them avoid the dangerous lanes while encouraging them to merge to open lanes of cooperation; if they insist on traveling this path, then they will be surrounded with loving arms that help them to see the difficult places they are traveling through and help to guide them to the other side of the situation. 

I am sure most of you already have a creative system similar to this. What helped you develop your system? If not, take a look at the construction the next time you are on a road trip and see if a similar pattern might help peace prevail in your home. 

May God truly bless you and your family as you travel this summer. May He also bless us all as we help teach the children He has blessed us with, how to see the Warning Signs and the ways God is directing them.

The Place to Hang-out

My uncle once told me that his home was "the place to be." He talked about how there was usually no less then 5 kiddos in their basement on any given day. I didn't have any children at the time, so I looked at him a bit funny...."why would you want all those TEENAGERS in your home?" "Don't you know how messy and destructive teenagers are?" He explained his reasoning to me. He told me how they lived in a pretty small town, and there wasn't much for teens to do there. He told stories of drugs and parties, alcohol and teen pregnancy. He said, "I can't guarantee that my girls will never be challenged by these negative things. But I can guarantee that they won't be allowed in my home. As long as they are here, I know that all of them are safe." It made total sense to me then and now.

Today, my children seem to always be looking for places to go and people to see. We could spend the whole morning at an event, but once we are home for 5 minutes they start asking if friends can come over. They make me laugh. Anyway, I, like my uncle, desire to make our home the place to hang-out. On any given week you will find that we have 2-5 extra children in and out of our home. It is wonderful!

In these busy childhood days, I find that it is often challenging to truly know the parent's of the children my kiddos want to spend time with. I can not be sure what type of TV they are allowed to watch in their home or what type of video games they are allowed to play. If it is a new friend, I certainly don't want to start our relationship by interrogating the parents. I find it much easier to simply say, "Why don't you come visit and play at our place?"

Here is the kicker....my place needs to be a "fun" place to be. It needs to be a place that my own children will enjoy inviting others to. We have intentionally kept extra outdoor toys for our guests. Our playroom contains toys we really no longer play with for friends that are interested in those items. When my husband and I browse through Craigslist, we look for items that may grow with our children (air hockey tables, activity sets etc.) It is a bit more work for us now, but we feel it is truly worth it.

I don't really worry about drugs, alcohol and sex at this age....but by preparing our home now and by continually inviting friends to our home we are developing habits that will continue into the teen years. It will not be easy to have an open home and a revolving door, but my children and their friends are far more valuable to me than a few years of inconvenience.

Let me challenge you today to look at your own home and pray to see if God would like you to make your home "the place to hang-out." May He truly bless us all, as we strive to raise children that bring glory to His Kingdom!

What Is Below the Surface?

When studying the deserts of Israel and how the Old Testament people my have lived, I learned that you can tell where the water will be by the vegetation. It might not look like a river bed right now because it is all dried up, but a few drops of water coming down from the mountains and you could have a flash flood on your hands. Most of the vegetation in the Negev are plants that live low to the ground, however, there are full size Acacia trees sprinkled throughout. How do these trees survive? How can there be full size trees in the desert?

Well, it turns out that the river beds flood regularly. These trees grow were the water is. They are trees planted by streams of water. They are evidence of the living water that lies below the surface. You know there is water simply by looking at them. No matter how dry the desert may look, these trees have strong roots and rely on the water they have stored for the days to come.

I know you see where I am going. I couldn't help but think about us and our relationship with Christ. That we have the living water of Christ in us that will sustain us even in the driest days. His water gives us the ability to stand strong even when it seems that we are surrounded by dry barren land. His word that we store within gives us strength when faced with troubles or times of want. We are able to thrive in hard times because of what we have collected below the surface.

Let me encourage you today to stand tall and give evidence of the living water within you. If you are in a time of plenty/peace/joy, begin storing up God's promises and memorizing verses of hope....as we all know that a time of want/struggle/pain will be approaching. If you are experiencing a low time right now, recall the endless ways God has already blessed you....the promises He has kept....and the struggles He has already brought you through. Allow the living water of Christ to well up inside of you and bring you peace!

I pray that God will give us all the strength to travel through the seasons of life and rely completely on His sustaining love and peace. May He help us to fill our store houses with His promises so that when the desert times seem to surround us we can take heart, knowing the desert looks dry and barren, but God has provided a way for us all to make it through and bring Him glory....we simply need to look below the surface!

Snuggle Time!

At first, I thought it was just a quirk in my family, but I have seen it in other families recently as well. It seems that the end of the school year brings out a special need in my children. The need to snuggle. Now most of the time, I wouldn't use a word like NEED to describe snuggle time, it is usually more of a want...however, not these days, it is certainly a need.

I wonder what it is about the end of the school year. Are children starting to react because they know their schedule will be changing? Are they excited about moving up a grade? Are they just warn out after working so hard for so long? Or, is it all of the above?

This year, I first saw the symptoms in our oldest daughter. She literally came to me and said, "I need you to snuggle with me." Really? I thought. I didn't pay much attention, I had a lot to get done. But this happened several days in a row. Then a friend and mom of a young family we know, stated that her children were extra emotional and needed more "mommy" time these days. And now, it seems to have invaded my home.....everyone needs a good snuggle!

There was a good lesson in here for me. When our oldest daughter first approached me, I truly thought she was just wasting time and being silly. NOPE. She really needed the loving tough of her mommy. Even though she is taller than me and most days would prefer not to have me "tag along." She still NEEDS me. She still needs a firm hug....she still needs to know that she is my little girl....she still needs to feel the security of my loving arms.

I found actual research that talks about the benefits of touch. A good snuggle time is great for: reducing stress; calming anxiety and depression; decreasing pain; strengthening the immune system; and creating a sense of well being. Wow! I had no idea that snuggling on the couch with my kiddos could help us both so much. I love a good snuggle, always have, but now when I see my "to do" list sitting on the counter and I have a child that needs a snuggle...I am going to remember that the snuggle will probably benefit us both a great deal more than the clean dishes or folded laundry.

May God truly bless us all as we remember that you are never to old to snuggle and as we strive to raise children that will impact His Kingdom and bring His light to the world!

How Is Our Response?

When reading a parenting book by Dr. Becky Bailey a few years back, I came to the conclusion that she was trying to tell me: How I respond to a situation is actually more important than the situation itself. This was truly eye opening for me. Let me explain.

We all know that when dealing with nature our response will teach our children how they should react. When playing outside, we have the choice to say, "Kids come look at this cool caterpillar!" or "Yuck, look at the gross caterpillar!" Our reaction greatly influences our child's ability to enjoy and learn from the situation. Same thing when we find spiders, snakes and other creatures that might make us shutter. We are teaching our children by how we respond.

The same relationship between our response and their learning occurs when we react to a situation. When our child is "pushing our buttons," how we respond teaches our child how to respond when others our irritating them. I know we have all seen it, when a child speaks with another child and repeats the exact words we said to them the day before. Our responses are teaching more than we think.

Here is the tough part for me....balancing my responses. When my daughter comes down the stairs wearing less clothing than I feel is appropriate, my response is very important. I need to try and remember that she is growing older and would like to make her own decisions while balancing our family guidelines and knowing that the little ones are watching to see how easily boundaries are moved. One situation can make future similar situations easier or it can make each future situation more difficult.

I find that many times when my children are doing something they know will need correction, that they are looking for my response. Is today the day that I teach them the correct way to speak to others, the proper way to explain their needs and keep the established boundary lines held tight? Or, is today the day that I have lost all patience and I forget that my response is truly more important than the situation at hand. A few hours from now, my child is not even going to remember why we had a "fight," but she is going to remember the harsh words I spoke or the harmful tone that I used. She will remember and in a few days will use that same tone and maybe even some of the same words with her younger sibling when her patience is gone.....and the spiral of harsh words begins. It is really that easy.

In our home, and many of the Christian homes we interact with, there is a "rule" that children are to listen to their parents. I like this rule! However, this "rule" often gives parents the idea that when children don't listen they are challenging the parents authority. This is often not the case. The majority of the time a young child has simply not learned how to react properly to a situation. Let me encourage us all, as Christian parents, to start stepping back and look at our response and the situation. Have we really taken the time to teach our child what they should be doing in this circumstance? Or, are we just expecting them to KNOW how to "behave?" Are our children responding to the situation the same way we have in the past? Are we willing to take the time to teach them a better response to their circumstances?

Teaching our children takes a great deal of time, and I certainly get it wrong just as often as I get it right, but I know that it is important. I know that my response is really more important than the conflict and that every act of disobedience is a wonderful learning opportunity for us all. May God shower us with His wisdom and fill us with His words as we strive to raise children that will be a blessing to His Kingdom!