Looking at Our Intent

With seven people in the home, more when friends are over, there always seems to be a great deal of activity at any given moment. On any given day we are doing homework, cleaning, cooking, discovering, creating and testing boundaries. Each and everyday we have a conflict of some kind, often more than one conflict. I have learned to do more than listen to what occurred, I try to look for the intent.

What was the child trying to do? Why did the conflict start? What was the spirit of the situation? Here are two examples that recently happened in our family.

Our 4 year old son is starting to ride his bike without training wheels. One of his older sisters has been teaching and helping him. They are doing great! There is a great deal of cheering and wonderfully successful rides are taking place. Later in the day, the before mentioned older sister is at a friends house. Another older sister was home and was willing to give a helping hand. Well, she "didn't do it right" and she "made me crash" and now "I am bleeding and it is all her fault." Although our son wanted his sister punished to the full extent of the law, I could see that she had not intentionally hurt her brother and that she was actually trying to help him. Therefore, to the disappointment of her brother, no punishment was given.

The same day a sister had borrowed and was wearing an article of clothing belonging to another. This sister did not ask to borrow the item and was refusing to take it off. Now, this situation contained no blood, no pushing or physical malice, however it was worthy of punishment. One had clearly intended to take something that wasn't hers and was acting out in selfishness. A punishment was warranted.

As adults, we are very seldom "punished" for our daily actions. However, I would encourage us to look at our own intent. When we are having a conflict with one of our children, what are we really trying to do? What is the spirit we are bringing to the situation? Are we able to use this situation to show our children how to respond when they become frustrated and disappointed? Or, are we reinforcing the very behaviors we are trying to deter? I hate to admit it, but too often my response is not one of teaching and training, but of anger and punishment. Let me encourage all of us (especially me) to take a deep breathe before we discipline and make sure that our intent is pure. May we always remember that each situation, although it may seem like a challenge to our authority, is really just another lesson that our children need to learn. We are their teacher and it should be our intent to train them as we show them the wrong they are doing.

This is truly one of my biggest struggles. May God give us all strength as we share His love and train our children to respect both Him and us.