Just Blame Me

The many years I spent as a teacher and youth leader gave me the opportunity to connect with numerous families. I have learned a lot from talking with other parents and observing how they interact with their children. One of the most valuable things I learned was the concept of letting my children blame me. When my children our faced with difficult situations I am happy to be their way out. Please, let me explain.....

I was listening to a mother speak about how she helps her teenage son navigate through these tough years. She talked about peer pressure and tough choices that her son is faced with...drug, sex, drinking. Then she said, "I do not care if my son's friends like me. My job is to help my son through this difficult time." I was interested in how she did this and she gave two main things that she does.

First, because she is not interested in being friends with her son's friends she can be "the bad guy." She established rules that she knew would keep him safe. Rules like not riding in cars with multiple teenagers, not going to someone's home without prior permission and a curfew for both school and non-school nights. It was easier for her son to avoid what he knew would be compromising situations by simply saying, "My mom is expecting me," or "My mom is on her way." She talked about how it was more important for her son to feel safe than for her to be popular with the high school crowd.

Second, they developed a phrase that made it easier for her son to resist harmful situations. If a friend was asking him to do something or go somewhere, they had two different ways of asking for permission. If he truly wanted to go to this event and he felt it was safe and appropriate, he would say something like, "Mom, can I please go to (fill in the blank)." However, if he felt that going to this event was not the best idea and might be unsafe, he would say something like, "Mom, I can't go to (fill in the blank), right? Didn't you say we had something planned?" To which the mom would reply something like, "No, I'm sorry but we do have plans so you won't be able to go."

I honestly think that this is a brilliant idea! I love the fact that my child is making the tough choices and that I have equipped them with the tools to face many situations. I love that my child is learning that their friends aren't the most important influence in their lives. I know that they will not be able to blame me their whole life, but for now, I am happy to take the blame. I am happy to provide a way for my child to succeed as they build up the confidence they need to be strong on their own.